I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
