He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
