allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
