Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
