my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
