i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
