chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
