i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
