The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
