the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
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