Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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