Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
