apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
