I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
