I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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