This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I want to fling myself into the sun
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
