i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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