if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He? As in you personified your dick?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
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