Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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