It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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