so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
