honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
