im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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