Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
