so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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