Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He has the fingertips of a God
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