I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
