just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
