please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
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My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
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Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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