the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
