my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
