You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
