I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
