Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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