Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
