My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
