i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
