ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Randomize
