Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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