I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
