I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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