Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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