Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
