i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
