Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
