i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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