He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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