I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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