i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
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shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
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Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
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