i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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