i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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