in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
