She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
