He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
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