mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
