I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
