we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
