I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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