he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
