Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
