I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
