Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
