I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
